I had a dream the other night.  I was in Spain, the smells, the sights, the feelings were all so vivid.  I walked along the palace and heard the man playing the crystal cups, the headless man walked with his cape and cane.  I could feel the uneven ground under my feet and my heart racing.  This was somewhere new to me, I was lost in a city I've never been to or thought much of.  I held a map and located the gondola, not before stopping for pancakes.  I grabbed a beer on the way back to the apartment.  I stopped at the botanical gardens.  The sky was blue, there was a chill in the air, I was 24, I was tired but I was excited. 

It's funny that we dream of random things.  I never cared for my trip to Spain nor did I care for the company I travels with.  Well perhaps at the time it was suitable and I had fun, but the company could have been much better.  I don't dream often but lately my dreams have been flooding my mind in my waking state.  I think about them a lot, what they mean, why do we dream and why does it affect us so heavily.  Perhaps I dreamed of Spain purely because I was reminded of it?  Perhaps I have been having these nightmares not because they are premonitions but because they are my fears.  

Any way, I've been losing sleep over my dreams and nightmares and have decided to share it here.

I'll leave my blog with a question.

If a dream is just a dream then why do I feel so strongly in them and about them, more than my waking life even?

xx

P

Thursday

My day started off by making Alan coffee and sending him off to work (not pictured here).  I then began my morning routine by sticking Pia in her high chair and let her watch me cook breakfast.  I sometimes pretend we're on a cooking show and Pia laughs while I pretend.  Then I spend about an hour and a half to an hour coaxing her into finishing her gourmet omelette normally accompanied by a fruit, which I call dessert.  

After she finished her dessert I noticed some raspberries getting really soft.  So I had Pia pick them and throw them into a small bowl.  I then mashed them up, added some coconut water, some apple juice & some cherry juice.  I pulled out the empty ice cube tray, filled it with the red liquid, wrapped it up and cut very small slits for the Popsicle sticks to sit in.  I had to cut the big sticks down because Pia does better with a larger surface area.  You probably want to make very small slits when sticking the Popsicle sticks into the plastic wrap because you want them to stay verticle (otherwise gravity will knock them over).  They're now in the freezer and should be almost ready for our afternoon picnic.

I then started sweeping up because I've been meaning to steam clean the floors.

This is the state of our floor, well was the state.  It was sticky and dirty and driving me crazy.  Finally after 15 minutes of my ultimate favorite chore the floors feel, look and are amazing!

Pia is still asleep, I wouldn't be making this post otherwise.  Wish me luck on trying to finish the dishes before Alan gets home!  More to come!

xx

P.

The raspberry Popsicles didn't fly with Pia, so I ended up just making coconut ones which she loved.  She's currently been running a fever all day but has been in good spirits! I'm hoping she's feeling better tomorrow.  Tonight should be a rough one, I wish I could take the pain for her.  Such a tough little tiny person!

Last Sunday we woke up at 5:30 am and raced the sun to Hanauma Bay.  Lucky enough we breezed into Hawaii Kai and got there a little early, so we stopped for gas.  We got to the bay at around 6:30 am and met up with my boss, her husband and her youngest son.  I've never actually got into the water here so the entire experience was amazing.  We all had so much fun including crazy Pia!  

Hopefully this week Sunday will be back again and might do a hike afterwards.  We've been really wanting to take Pia on some hikes but were unsure about if she could handle it or not.  So this weekend will be a lot of fun!  We got an underwater camera and will be using it!

Pia absolutely loves the water.  I wish we had more time to take her out and take her on adventures.  Working part time I have a lot of time with her, which is really nice so I shouldn't complain.  

I'll hopefully post more photos tomorrow of our adventures on Tuesday! 

xx

P.

We drove out to one of my favorites side of the island today.  Pia got to frolic in the ocean before getting too cold, she was insanely happy while shivering.  We all ate lunch and then headed home.

I feel like I've learned a lot in the last year.  I know that being a mother come natural, you'd do anything for your child.  I also learned that wounds take time to heal.  My grandmother passed away almost a year to the day, June 9th.  I know that the feeling I carry will always be around, some days are better than others, some are worse.  The people I surround my self with and those who understand loss have helped me a lot, thank you.  I've also learned who my true friends are. In just a matter of a year I've had so many life changing events occur.  I'm married, I gave birth, my grandmother passed away and my never ending struggle with my parents.  Thank you for being their for each event that has changed me.  Im so thankful for the people who take time out to call or text and ask how we're all doing.  

On a more positive note I have a roll of 35, well technically I have 20 rolls to develop.  But... Since I'm only working PT I think I'll develop one at a time.

Have a great weekend!

xx

p

"You must remember never to cease to act because you fear you may fail.  The way to lose any earthly kingdom is to be inflexible, intolerant, and prejudicial.  Another way is to be too flexible, tolerant of too many wrongs and without judgement at all.  It is a razor's edge.  It is the width of a blade of pili grass.  To gain the kingdom of heaven is to hear what is not said, to see what cannot be seen and to know the unknowable..." - Queen Lili'uokalani

I think sometimes a personal trait that I find an imperfection is my fear.  I fear a lot of things: expressing feelings, death and a few other things most people fear.  I also think that I am too flexible and it's something I have to work on.  I have been tolerant of too many wrongs for too long and I think this may be me admitting that from here on out I will be more open about how I feel.  I think I'm so concerned about other peoples happiness I forget about my own.  So from now until the end I promise to focus on my own happiness and to talk about my feelings, whether I feel that they will come across misinterpreted or not.  I am capable of being strong and capable of letting others know when too much is enough.  I also vow to make more of an effort to blog here a little more, write about my day, however mundane it may be.  Any way...

xx

p

The sky was lit with flecks of gold
And bursts of pinks and blue
Why it is that every sunset
Brings me back to you

The undertones of Orange
That set the sky ablaze
Reminds of of your firey soul
And your old fashioned ways

They quickly fade to blacks and greys
As the sun sinks into the sea
I wonder where you are a lot
And if you ever see me

The stars come out one by one
Sparkling whites, greens and reds
I close my eyes, draw a deep breath
And picture your face in my head

The stars begin to fade now
They sky turns pink and blue
The saddest part of this poem
Is ill never read it to you.

My birthday is on Friday.  I can't really say whether or not I'm looking forward to it.  You'd normally call me, sing me happy birthday, talk about my goals, ask me if I feel older.  We'd talk about how I'm 27 and you would have been 77 and how one day Pia will be 77.  I showed Pia a video of you today!  I haven't mustered up the courage to watch a lot of the videos but I thought it was better late than never.  You laughed in the video and Pia watched you and smiled almost like you were right there.  What I'd give to watch you hold Pia and walk with her around the yard, show her the cats, tell her about the flowers and trees.  I think about you, wonder where you are, if you can see me, hear me crying because I miss you.  I know you wouldn't want me to cry but it's hard not having you here.  I need your help, I think more than help I just need you.  I need you to bake on Saturdays again with me, I need you to sit down with me at breakfast while we talk about the news.  I want to have coffee with you and talk about the cats and boo and mom and Leila and Alan and everyone else important to us.  I wanna hear you yell at me to take a damn yoga class because I stress too much.  I want to feel you swat me in my head because it's so damn hot.  I want you to sing me happy birthday while you smile crookedly and adjust your glasses while waving those long slender fingers at me motioning to me to blow out all my candles and make a wish.  I miss you, my birthday won't be the same.  Where ever you are, drop by if you can, I'd really love it if you could.  Miss you, all the time.

Hi...

I haven't wrote you in a while, sorry.  I've been so tied up with full-time work and full-time school.  I've recently tried to quit, I know you would have been coaching me on why I should stay, it's all just too much.  I'd definitely choose my school over work, even if it means having to move in with Keith & Nance.  Sometimes I hear you laughing, that deep laugh you'd do when you would really laugh pretty hard.  I sometimes try to picture your face when I close my eyes so I don't forget.  I describe you to Pia a lot.  I talk about your hair, your fancy spot cover, how you used to love korean soaps.  You'd love her you know, she'd love you back just the same too.  Boo is doing really good, so is Leila & Ron.  I'm doing just ok.  You'd be so happy with the two of them and how well they're doing.  Beta is also, for the most part ok.  I miss you, every single day.  I'm thinking of talking about you again in class tomorrow... Not sure if I can or not.  I know how pissed off you'd be if you knew.  Somewhere you're pissed at me, I'm sure of it.  Again I miss you, so so much.  We all do.  Words really don't do justice to how much I've been missing you.  I think i'll bake again... one day.

I'm sitting in my office watching the sun creep through the blinds.  It's a different kind of light, it has that amber glow to it.  It's officially fall, I can feel it in the air, I can smell it, it's all around me.  I watch the wind sift through the leaves of the trees and the debris swirl around in the air.  I remember you and I always talking about the weather and how much we loved it, you'd say how cold it was.  It reminded me of when I was small and we'd sleep on the couch together and share the big polar bear blanket.  I remember the last conversation we had, I flash back to it a lot and wish I had said more.  I remember being stifled at seeing you in the state you were in and trying to remember you as the strong loving woman you were and still are where ever you are.  I think about Thanksgiving and how I can't fathom this without you.  I can't imagine any of the holidays without except for weaving the past memories in with the present like a crazy person.  I can't accept that you're not here, I don't think I should have to and I certainly think I'm going insane.  I know that I am not alone in my feelings, I know that were all thinking of you every day that the leaves change, every day the sun comes up I think of you, we all do.  We miss you so much, where ever you are I know they have internet connection and you're reading this blog and will probably be going back to your korean soaps (which I hate remember that).  I love you.  Forever. I miss you so much.

The many faces of Tiny (who is becoming not so tiny)

I like taking fat glow worm face photos of her so when she gets older we can embarass her in front of boys.  Then again Alan will probably scare them off with his beard... And if that doesn't scare them there's always the shot gun! :)

Ms Pia

This year has been a roller coaster ride.  In January I found out we were pregnant, although we talked about it in November we never thought by December we'd be well on our way into parenthood.  Then in May my grandmother went into the hospital for surgery and in early June she passed away.  I don't think anyone ever truely recovers from the death of a family member.  Sometimes I still feel her around.  Finally last week in mid-September I have birth to the most amazing little person on Earth.  I'm constantly wishing that my grandma could be here to see how great she is.  How great of a father Alan is and how aside from all that has happened how happy I am.  I know that if she was here she'd be telling me how great were doing and how beautiful her great granddaughter is.  I miss you every single day, not one goes by where I don't feel those pains in my heart, wishing you were by my side.  We'll visit you soon, I wish you were here.

 

   

 Enjoy.