I watched the clouds turn into different geometric shapes and the sun peak out from behind all of the dark clouds.  I tried to focus on my breathing and listen to all of the sounds around me.  I thought about you and how much I miss you and I wanted to call you because I needed you to set me straight.  When id be in a tough spot you'd always be there to tell me to be strong and that I'd be ok.  I keep hoping to hear you in the back of my head telling me to be strong because I feel like I'm beginning to fall apart.   There are things I can't say and words that won't come out and you've always gave me the courage to speak what I feel.  I've been feeling so lost without you but I'm learning to deal with these things on my own.   I promise to try to be the person you wanted me to be.  I know that no matter what I do or what I say I am your granddaughter and a part of you is always in me.  I promise to push forward and to be as happy as I can possibly be.  I miss you.  I wish you were here.

I stared at your photo for a while today because I feel like I'm forgetting what your face looked like.  I can remember your smell and your voice.  I wanted to come over on Saturday and hang out with you and tell you whats going on in my life.  I've been going to the graveyard to tell you how much I miss you.  I have so many questions for you, I need help.  I can't believe you're not here.  I keep expecting you to call me to tell me to go outside and look at the skies.  I see white gingers and think of the last time we talked.  I went to a bookfair a couple of weeks ago and found the Owl & The Pussycat and I read it frequently to Pia when I'm alone.  Remember we memorized it?  I think of you every time I read it & wish you were here to read it to her.  I miss you so much.  I wish this was all just a really bad dream.  Where ever you are know that I think of you every day & every day is harder than the last knowing you're not here with me.  I miss you.

I sat at the window today and watched the rain filter through the mountains.  I almost called you today to tell you about the spider in my hair, then I remembered.  I don't know how to this without you.  I need your help.  I think about you every day.  I remember that time we walked up into the mountains to pick flowers.  You sat me down on a rock and told me that I need to remember to be happy and that happiness comes from inside and no matter how stressed and angry I am to focus on Nicole.  Sometimes when it's absolutely silent I can hear you whispering to me to be strong, I miss you so much.  I wish you were here.  I'd give anything to hear you scolding me one more time.

You always told me that in your passing I was never to mourn, no matter how sorrow filled and sad it might be.  You told me to be happy and that with death there is life and to always cherish every second and every breath I take.  The world lost an amazing woman yesterday. The flame to a candle and the catalyst to a spark.  No words could do her justice.  Her soul radiated with fearlessness and strength.  She taught me how to be the woman I am today.  She's helped me grow into a stronger and less selfish person by teaching me to never hate and to always give what I could.  My heart aches to open my eyes to a world without her.  I know that if she read this she'd be shaking her fist at me telling me to smile.  Like she taught me in death there is life, I will move forward and always, always, always cherish everything I have.  I miss her so much, from now until forever I love you.

TGIT



Technically today is my Friday, since I'll be off on Fridays starting from this week!  In any case there will be a lot of house work getting done and hopefully I'll be able to stray away and get some 35mm photos.  I really want to start using my AE-1 again I miss film photos! 

My little cousin graduates from high school this weekend, which is insane because that makes me really old.  She recently received a scholarship from the University of Manoa and will be attending in the Fall.  She'll be majoring in Electrical Engeinnering. 

Crazy Betty had another surgery last night, she came out fine and should be home with in a week.  We all really miss her.

The baby is currently on her elliptical kicking me as I write.  She's been really active as of late, mostly between 5am & 9pm.  Once in a while she'll wake me up at 1 or 2 am.

Any way, back to work TGIT!

Hi!

 I've been trying to finish up last minute projects, late homework and balance out: work, home & family.  I'ts seriously been a major struggle, which is probably why I've been so stressed out.  Crazy Betty went in for surgery last week Friday and I'm glad to say after a really, really rough week in & out of ICU she's making a come back.  I'm so thankful that she's feeling so much better and look forward to seeing her back in action harassing me.  

On a positive note Alan & I have been making an effort to go fishing.  He caught a few things a week or two ago, but once again we've both been caught up in work and just being really tired.  The top photo is from Alan's birthday we finally celebrated with his co-workers in his department.  The bottom picture is from us hanging out last Sunday. 

On a baby note, we're nearing the end of the 2nd trimester and I'm half way through my pregnancy.  I've been feeling awesome.  I think I'm in that super human strength phase of pregnancy.  I can feel her kicking all the time.  She particularly enjoys Alans singing and his low voice.  Yesterday she decided to get into a really awkward position and I could see what seemed to be either her entire head or entire butt.  I'm feeling really excited and really sad at the same time.  I feel like she's a lot safer in there than out here and it's going by so fast I feel like I have a million things left to do.  We've been slowly working on getting the house ready, I mean slowly.  I think we should be fully prepare by the beginning of September.  I'll try to post photos of the nursery when were done, or they'll probably go up on the baby blog, which you can also check out.

On a Pickle note I'm done with finals!  Hooray!  Probably did a lot better this semester than last.  I felt a lot less stressed out, even though I was pregnant for the entire duration of the Spring semester.  I've been feeling really good and hopefully will continue feeling really good.  I guess my only craving I've had is dessert and red meat.  My back constantly hurts and yes I pee a lot.  The only smell that bothers me is Thai Basil, still.  My nails have been growing at warp speed!  Alan has been amazing and comes to every doctors appointment.  He's always really loving and helps me as often as he possibly can.  

Hopefully in July we'll be able to stay at a beach house I'm in the process of booking.  Were going to try and bug bomb our house before the baby comes.  That would probably be the extent of my excitement thus far, including being done with the Spring semester.

xx

Baby Shower Pt.1

So we kicked off our vacation with party planning!  We immediately went to the farmers market and cleaned the house and did a million other errands the morning after we flew in.  We had the baby shower on Sunday in Salinas, where my boyfriends parents live.  So many people showed up and gave me SOOOOO many nice things.  Were definitely going to have to make room this month for all of our presents!  We went to the Monterey Bay Aquarium for Alan's birthday and then ate dinner at Sardine Factory.  Were finally back home and were both super exhausted.  I figured I'd make a little post before falling off the face of the planet while beginning the last few weeks of school. 

Gonna go pass out now, bye.

I can think back to a few years ago when this was probably the furthest thing from my mind, having a child that it.  Then all of a sudden a cadence of love and good timing and BANG!  I wanted to use the phrase "you're ready," but like everyone says you're never ready.  I am however beyond elated!  My pregnancy has been PHE-NOM-ENAL!  I've had a few mood swings, a few bouts of nauseous-ness and definitely pushed through the fatigue, but I am feeling like a champ.  I'm 16 week next Tuesday, which means I'm: in my second trimester and entering month 5!  I can't believe I only have 4 more months to go!  I'm excited (to see our child), happy, sad (that it's going by so fast) and constantly hungry!  Alan has been feeding me and constantly watching my eating habits (i never get mad, i only get mad at my self just in case you ever read this).  I'm finally looking a little more pregnant (if you see photo number 3 up top).  

Today we finally switched from Kaiser to Queens Medical and let me tell you about our adventure.  It started off with us getting lost in the actual hospital.  Then getting lost somewhere else, then somewhere else then we found it, then we got lost again, and again and took a total of 9-10 elevator rides.  But!  We have a doctor who will be delivering Ms.Pia (

Any way I had two mid-terms that I smoked today and Pia has literally been sleeping all day long, which has been nice, no weird butterflies or farting sensations.  Were heading home in a few minutes or, hopefully to my advantage to Bravo's Italian because I seriously do not want to make a mess cooking or wait... I'm hungry, I need food and I don't wanna do the dishes.

I'll try to post more often on here, as much as my insomnia will permit me to.  Feel free to say hi, give me tips, send me links and just talk.  It's weird to see so many people reading & no one saying a word.  I swear I'm friendly :)

xx

Pickle+Mini P.

Vacation

Sat alone on the beach on Sunday.  It was so nice to listen to the ocean and the wind.  Haven't been on vacation in a while and I've literally been putting in way too much hours at work.  We leave on the 11th to celebrate my boyfriends 27th birthday.  I'm excited to go on vacation with him but I'm more excited to celebrate another birthday with him.  This year was filled with a whole bunch of lasts:

Last Valentines Day together alone, Last Birthday, Last New Years!  

We have our next ultrasound on the 31st and should find out the gender of the mini!  

Any way... I can't wait to go on vacation!  I'm going to lay in bed and eat all day.  Kidding, vacation isn't vacation without exploring!

New blog

http://www.oiakekahipepe.blogspot.com

The day after I found out I was pregnant Alan started this blog.  Some of it is personal, well most of it is personal.  Any way it's been an interesting journey, enjoy.

Fireworks were exploding over the bridge beyond the trees, the embers curtained the midnight sky.  It was January 1st 2014.  I waited for Alan out on the balcony.  I closed my eyes, inhaled gunpowder and new year air.  Things were changing, I knew the entire year in front of me was going to be different from the last.  Alan came out onto the balcony and I slid over on to his lap.  We watched the different colors cascade against the trees outside of his apartment.  While we sat there and kissed there was already something miraculous happening.  I was pregnant.  Sixteen days later I noticed I was a lot more fatigued than normal.  Finally after a week of naps and exhaustion I took a pregnancy test.  Talking about how I felt that day makes me a lot more emotional than the actual moment I realized I was pregnant.  Alan is the best thing that has ever happened to me, I can't say that enough.  He has taught me how to love.  I don't think I've wanted anyone so bad.  He's my best friend and I couldn't imagine a day without him in my life.  To share this with someone I am completely head over heels in love with is so amazing.  To know that I wouldn't have anyone else in the entire universe but him as the father to my child is one thing that I am completely sure of.  I'm 13 weeks pregnant today. The day after I found out I was pregnant I wrote this, and found it in my phone today:

I'm sitting outside on the balcony staring at the moon.  I wonder if you'll love it as much as I do.  I wonder if you'll ever sit out here with me watching the moon too.  Alan is cooking me dinner while i write this.  I wonder what you'll look like.  What your laugh will sound like, what your cries will sound like.  I close my eyes and watch you running through a park with Alan chasing your heels. I don't know you yet and you don't know me but it feels like we've met a thousand times before.  You will be my greatest accomplishment in my entire life.  See you soon.

-Pickle

I saw you walking down the hall and looked away when I caught your eye.  I met you in the doorway at the scanner and you shook my hand.  I took the elevator up to my office and looked you up in the directory.  I thought about you the whole day after I met you.  I wondered where you lived, where you were from, what you did for fun, if you had a girlfriend and if you noticed me the way I noticed you.  I saw you a few times after that and never had the courage to ask you all of these things.  The fashion show we were in together was my in, I knew it was.  I saw that you were walking behind me for silent auction.  The whole time I was getting ready I was wondering what I was going to say to you because I knew it was my only chance.  I saw you walk up in your white aloha shirt and I was more nervous to speak to you than I was to walk out on that runway in 4 inch heels (which I tripped on, on the runway).  I thought about asking if you were nervous, it may have seemed like we were standing there for a few seconds before I spoke but I ran over a million different lines in my head tying not to sound weird.  Then I spoke.  I never wanted anyone as bad as I wanted you.  I sat in my car and literally talked to my self saying that I shouldn't be scared and I needed to give you a ride home and even if you tried to say no I wouldn't have let it stand.  So I ran up to you and made you lock your bike up and forced you into my car.  I dropped you off at your apartment and you shook my hand.  Just spending that little time with you, I was smiling for days.  I told my mom about you and my sister I was so excited, I felt like a little kid.  I remember getting an email saying there would be an appreciation get together and that models and everyone else that participated would be there.  I went thinking you were going to show up I was getting a little discouraged after a few minutes thinking maybe you weren't coming.  Then I saw you walking across the lawn and I was never more excited.  Following a few beers and an inappropriate joke you met me by the bathroom and gave me a rose.  After a night in Waikiki, two very long hugs and a phone number exchange that was it.  I never once doubted your ability to make me happy.  I know that sometimes my communication isn't the best, but I'm working on it.  I'm trying to be comfortable with the way I feel and make sure you know that every second I'm away from you, you're the ONLY person I think of.  I've never been so happy in my entire life and I always want to tell you but I feel like it might all come out sounding like a 12 year old.  I like the way you side-twisty my hair, your random nickname generator, tickle time, the way you run your fingers through my hair and pull me in close, your strange faces dance, open mic night (aka you making up random lyrics singing them to me), when you hold my hand, the way you look at me and raise your eyebrow, when you laugh non-inverted-ly and you're really laughing because you're happy you have this genuine smile, nun-chuck expos, when you blame me for stealing your things and hiding them, late night walks, thumb wars.  I could go on with the millions of things you do that make me laugh and smile but you already know what makes me happy.  I'm so glad to spend whatever time I have with you.  I will love you for a very, very long time Alan, don't ever forget that.

17 Mile Drive

Natural Bridges, CA

SFO-MRY

I don't know why I never posted these, these are probably my favorite set of photos.  I don't remember a time where I've been happier :)  

Went on a hike last weekend with my little cousin. I was informed that the hike was easy, which it may be, however uphill is not really easy for a 125 pound out of shape human being. It was really nice though! I miss being out in the sun and taking photos. Hopefully I'll be able to take more this weekend. Going to stock up on film for my 35mm and Polaroids today! Woo hoo!







Hope everyone has a good weekend!







xx

I had my Mom go through a bunch of old cigar boxes the other day to separate my old 200 & 400 35mm rolls.  I'm hoping to drop them off on Saturday morning & pick them up when I'm done with work so I can stop posting old photos I've taken.  In a sense the photos I develop are old, but they'll be the first time I've seen what's on each roll.


Any way...

Work today was interesting.  Dr.Koyama came in (who is from Japan).  His wife brought lychee for all of us, I'm so addicted.  She gave me tofu recipes and Japanese recipes that I can cook at home, I'm so excited to try them!  It was nice to see the two of them!

I've been looking through old photos in my online gallery and I think I'm finally motivated to dust off a few of my cameras.  I've ordered some Polaroid film & am thinking about ordering a camera off of etsy.  I have a few different lenses I can use, but I definitely think I need to start taking photos again.  I've been thinking of stopping by Imageworks to pick up some Polaroid Land film, not sure that my Land camera even works?  We'll see...

I also haven't been on a vacation for quite sometime.  I think about places a lot, sometimes I dream I'm there.  I dream of places I've never ever been to, it's strange.  In the name of lists I suppose I should make one right now, since this may be the last time for some while that I write in here. 

3 places I'd like to visit before 2015:

- Atlanta, Georgia:  Georgia Aquarium, The Earl & Olympic Park

- Monterey Bay, California : Monterey Bay Aquarium, Big Sur, Bixby Bridge, Point Lobos, Point Sur Lighthouse


- Washington D.C. : Natural History Museum, Smithsonian, National Gallery







I intended to include New Orleans, Florida and Montana on the list but I was too lazy.  Hope everyone has a good weekend.






xx